Two Days, Two Worlds.

I've spent most of the last two days like everyone else, glued to the television set, and the internet. Eyes glazed over, watching videos of something that seems like its a world away, when it's not. I actually was about 8 hours behind everyone else, having stayed up until 5:30am local time here putting together the new computer, and instlaling all the hardware and software. It's really fun for me, spent about 12 hours straight working on it before crashing. Woke up around noon the next day, came out to see a note saying "turn on channel 42." Clicked on CNN, and at first, didn't really know what was going on. Saw terrorist attack, and a lot of smoke in NY, but that's about it. Came in and logged on to my comp, joined my usual IRC channels, and all of a sudden people were talking about the World Trade Center coming down. Went back to the TV, and sat there dumbfounded for at least 2 or 3 hours watching the same videos and hearing the same accounts over and over.

One of the first things that came to mind when hearing about the DC attack was my most recent ex-girlfriend, who last I heard was at UCDC this semester. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't have anything to do with the Pentagon, but I e-mailed her immediately, and called her place in the Bay Area, no response to either, cept an answering machine. She might just be away from her comp for a few days. Hoping that's the case.

We go back a long ways, she was my best friend for a while before we were together. We spent the better part of two and a half years as a couple, most of which while she was at UCBerkeley and I was at UCSB, or a senior in high school, due to our one year difference in age, she being the elder. We had some trying times, but in some ways that made us stronger. A simple bad mood was enough to explode into a raging argument at times, though. The end wasn't the prettiest thing, it basically just came to a point that the arguing was regular, and her priorities with both work (full time during the summer and a lot of time during the school year0 and her degree (graduating this spring) had had elevated to the highest level of commitment. Her concerns with maintaining relationships, especially long distance ones, became minimal.

She knows more about me than anyone, there are some secrets we shared that not even my family knew, nor any of my previous girlfriends. (there were two, reading that over it looks like there were a million). I've never been closer to a human being.

Its been a year since we went our seperate ways, and I've yet to have a date or female encounter other than friendship since. I really don't think it's due to my lack of trying, its just that I've never really found someone who sees what's inside, sees me for who I really am. Its been a long time, and truth be told I miss a lot about being someone's boyfriend. The hugs, the smiles, the late night conversations, and just about anywhere we went, together.

I'm being selfish. Thousands of people lost their lives and won't see their loved ones again and I'm worried about whether I'll ever find one of my own.

Rest in peace, all those who lost their lives in the terrible tragedy yesterday.

May your spirits live on in the heart of America.