Left vs Right
I am so Left brained its pathetic. Here I am with the world's simplest essay of all time, to basically make up a description of how the universe was created. Just describe where human's came from, who was in charge of creation if anyone, and make up some whack story of how things came to be the way they are. Yet I've been staring at this blank page for like an hour.
Creative juices never really flow through me. They don't really flow at all. When it comes to making something up from scratch, improv, randomness, this kind of thing, I just suck. Unfortunately neither of my siblings are available at this late hour, because I'm sure both of them could instantly go rambling off for pages about something of this sort. I even IM'd some friends who had no trouble, the funniest of which involved "toilet goblins." I have some funny friends.
I consider it to be one of my faults, the fact that I basically suck at being creative. I occasionally dabble in creating levels and mapping for various first person shooter computer games, and when it comes to coming up with an original idea, I just hit a dry well every time. I can recreate someone else's idea from another level or game perfectly, I can take an idea someone has begun with and develop it and take it to a whole other level, but I just can't start anything myself.
I suppose if someone said to me that I could be creative if I was willing to give up something else I was good at, I'd probably be unwilling to make the trade. Unless they said something like wiggling my ears. Yes, I'm a world class ear wiggler. Stop giggling, damnit. :/
Wednesday, May 22, 2002
One Door Closes, Another Door Opens?
Just got off the phone, and it was a bit stuffy in here, so I pulled back the curtain to reveal more of the open window and allow some breeze in. There framed in the upper portion was the moon, the only visible light in the sky tonight. It's not full or anything, but strangely directly in the center of my window, which is weird given I barely ever even see it when looking out my window at night.
About an hour ago I had a typical pointless conversation with my most recent ex, which covered just about everything, and as usual was a clash of ideologies. It ended abruptly as usual, the same way someone would walk out and slam the door if it was a face to face meeting. I stared at the ceiling for a while afterwards, actually more towards my new dolphin poster that's quite a peaceful thing to stare at. I've finally come to the conclusion tonight that I've been putting all this energy into maintaining a friendship that just isn't maintainable. It occurs to me that when it comes to people around here who have taken the path that she has and done the types of things that she does who I'm friends with, we tend to just drift apart, stop hanging out, basically not associate with each other, other than the random hi how are you's in the hallways. This is the normal path between friends who end up becoming totally different people, with totally different beliefs and ideologies. For some reason I've been blind to the fact that this is what has been going on between her and I. Based on the good times we shared together before she changed dramatically, and all the times I'd confided in her and trusted her, I felt like a friendship could be based on those things, on the past. This just isn't the case. The other main problem is that I've yet to replace her with someone, in every sense of the word. I don't have any really close friends who know anything and everything about me here, since I'm surrounded mostly with kids about a gazillion maturity levels below me, at different times in their lives. They just got here, they're all about having fun, don't think twice about the future, or anything else.
Unfortunately due to this living circumstance I'm not exposed to very many people who are at the same stage in their life as I am. She and I used to be in the same place, but now it seems like I've moved on, whereas she feels she can be happy right where she is. Some of the things she does these days, and the way that she rationalizes them, just totally clashes with my ideas of what people should and should not do. Everyone has a right to live their life the way that they choose, but just as they say birds of a feather flock together, we've joined different flocks. I think if I'd found someone since then to fill that void as "best friend" and someone who knows all about me and is always there, I'd have grown apart from her much faster. I've just been in a rut, and the months have turned to years.
I guess it's time to stop being belligerent, and open my eyes to the fact that we're not best friends anymore. We're different people living different lives, and that's not going to change in the near future. It's just really sad. It's like the girl I knew died tonight, officially.
Then there's the future. That doorway is now open even more than ever for someone to pop in and say hello. Who knows whether in the short time I have left here that will happen. I guess there isn't really any hurry. Next year I'll be pretty focused on the whole graduation concept, and then following that will either come a stint in the military where having dependents wouldn't be ideal anyway or a stint trying to get a job and get on my feet independently. Either way I guess there's plenty of time to fill the space. Just feels lonely in here tonight, more than any other. But if there wasn't loneliness, would we ever appreciate friendship?
Just got off the phone, and it was a bit stuffy in here, so I pulled back the curtain to reveal more of the open window and allow some breeze in. There framed in the upper portion was the moon, the only visible light in the sky tonight. It's not full or anything, but strangely directly in the center of my window, which is weird given I barely ever even see it when looking out my window at night.
About an hour ago I had a typical pointless conversation with my most recent ex, which covered just about everything, and as usual was a clash of ideologies. It ended abruptly as usual, the same way someone would walk out and slam the door if it was a face to face meeting. I stared at the ceiling for a while afterwards, actually more towards my new dolphin poster that's quite a peaceful thing to stare at. I've finally come to the conclusion tonight that I've been putting all this energy into maintaining a friendship that just isn't maintainable. It occurs to me that when it comes to people around here who have taken the path that she has and done the types of things that she does who I'm friends with, we tend to just drift apart, stop hanging out, basically not associate with each other, other than the random hi how are you's in the hallways. This is the normal path between friends who end up becoming totally different people, with totally different beliefs and ideologies. For some reason I've been blind to the fact that this is what has been going on between her and I. Based on the good times we shared together before she changed dramatically, and all the times I'd confided in her and trusted her, I felt like a friendship could be based on those things, on the past. This just isn't the case. The other main problem is that I've yet to replace her with someone, in every sense of the word. I don't have any really close friends who know anything and everything about me here, since I'm surrounded mostly with kids about a gazillion maturity levels below me, at different times in their lives. They just got here, they're all about having fun, don't think twice about the future, or anything else.
Unfortunately due to this living circumstance I'm not exposed to very many people who are at the same stage in their life as I am. She and I used to be in the same place, but now it seems like I've moved on, whereas she feels she can be happy right where she is. Some of the things she does these days, and the way that she rationalizes them, just totally clashes with my ideas of what people should and should not do. Everyone has a right to live their life the way that they choose, but just as they say birds of a feather flock together, we've joined different flocks. I think if I'd found someone since then to fill that void as "best friend" and someone who knows all about me and is always there, I'd have grown apart from her much faster. I've just been in a rut, and the months have turned to years.
I guess it's time to stop being belligerent, and open my eyes to the fact that we're not best friends anymore. We're different people living different lives, and that's not going to change in the near future. It's just really sad. It's like the girl I knew died tonight, officially.
Then there's the future. That doorway is now open even more than ever for someone to pop in and say hello. Who knows whether in the short time I have left here that will happen. I guess there isn't really any hurry. Next year I'll be pretty focused on the whole graduation concept, and then following that will either come a stint in the military where having dependents wouldn't be ideal anyway or a stint trying to get a job and get on my feet independently. Either way I guess there's plenty of time to fill the space. Just feels lonely in here tonight, more than any other. But if there wasn't loneliness, would we ever appreciate friendship?
Monday, May 20, 2002
Go Yoda Go Yoda Go!
For those who haven't seen Episode II: Attack of the Clones stop lollygaggin around and get to it! You've had like a week to claim everyone who has seen it is a geek, was born a Wookie, and runs around with plastic light sabers all day, now it's time to swallow your pride and go witness the spectacle for yourself. Gonna go with 6 M's out of 7 for this one, largely because of the atmosphere I saw it in. Nothing like seeing the 12:01am showing of a Star Wars movie, with all the kooky lookies and whackos that have been standing in the cold for like 3 days waiting in line. Wish I had a decibel meter or something during the beginning of the movie, I know my hearing will never be the same. There were like six previews, all of which were met with a resounding chorus of boos, until finally up popped the 20th Century Fox and Lucasfilms symbols, which brought out loud cheers. Then there was a whole lot of shhhhhhing as the famous in a galaxy far far away line faded into the screen, until the theater was utterly silent. This all changed seconds later when the orchestra slammed into that initial note, and the Star Wars logo appeared gigantic and dead center. I couldn't even hear the rest of the song, as the standing ovation and thunderous applause drowned it out. The movie itself was quite entertaining, some very cool scenes that all little boys would like, from the CGI to the saber battles, all exciting. The part many Star Wars fans had been waiting for for about twenty years now came later, but I won't ruin it for those who have been under a rock for a week and haven't seen it yet.
Ended up paying for the fun, I unfortunately had to drive to Camarillo to see the movie because the Arlington theater here was sold out, and on the way back my car basically exploded. Well, not exactly a ball of fire or anything, but it ended up being its final hurrah. Hung out in a Jack in the Box parking lot after managing to coast there from the fast lane on the freeway mostly thanks to the downhill offramp and the lack of traffic at 3 in the morning... Eventually around 4 after getting lost the tow truck showed up, and carted me over to a repair place that didn't open til 8, so I got to sit around in the car for four hours, weeee.
To make a long story short, if anyone wants a basically thrashed 86 Celica, I recommend going to 51-57 Victoria Avenue in Ventura, its sitting in the parking lot. Basically stripped it of everything useful, from the license plate "Fourth Generation Californian" thingy to my registration sticker. I stopped short of taking the spare tire, although my family might go pick it up at some point.
So, after getting a ride back to school with a wonderful fabulous friend who was nice enough to come get me in Ventura, and then a ride home to LA with another wonderful fabulous friend (well she was headed that way anyway, but still gets brownie points ;) ) I picked up the family's old minivan, which I'll be carting myself around in until probably the end of the school year at least. So beware of Mad Matt's in Minivans, coming to a street (or sidewalk) near you. I've only run over like eight curbs in the first few days, and parked diagonally a few times, other than that I'm all over it.
For those who haven't seen Episode II: Attack of the Clones stop lollygaggin around and get to it! You've had like a week to claim everyone who has seen it is a geek, was born a Wookie, and runs around with plastic light sabers all day, now it's time to swallow your pride and go witness the spectacle for yourself. Gonna go with 6 M's out of 7 for this one, largely because of the atmosphere I saw it in. Nothing like seeing the 12:01am showing of a Star Wars movie, with all the kooky lookies and whackos that have been standing in the cold for like 3 days waiting in line. Wish I had a decibel meter or something during the beginning of the movie, I know my hearing will never be the same. There were like six previews, all of which were met with a resounding chorus of boos, until finally up popped the 20th Century Fox and Lucasfilms symbols, which brought out loud cheers. Then there was a whole lot of shhhhhhing as the famous in a galaxy far far away line faded into the screen, until the theater was utterly silent. This all changed seconds later when the orchestra slammed into that initial note, and the Star Wars logo appeared gigantic and dead center. I couldn't even hear the rest of the song, as the standing ovation and thunderous applause drowned it out. The movie itself was quite entertaining, some very cool scenes that all little boys would like, from the CGI to the saber battles, all exciting. The part many Star Wars fans had been waiting for for about twenty years now came later, but I won't ruin it for those who have been under a rock for a week and haven't seen it yet.
Ended up paying for the fun, I unfortunately had to drive to Camarillo to see the movie because the Arlington theater here was sold out, and on the way back my car basically exploded. Well, not exactly a ball of fire or anything, but it ended up being its final hurrah. Hung out in a Jack in the Box parking lot after managing to coast there from the fast lane on the freeway mostly thanks to the downhill offramp and the lack of traffic at 3 in the morning... Eventually around 4 after getting lost the tow truck showed up, and carted me over to a repair place that didn't open til 8, so I got to sit around in the car for four hours, weeee.
To make a long story short, if anyone wants a basically thrashed 86 Celica, I recommend going to 51-57 Victoria Avenue in Ventura, its sitting in the parking lot. Basically stripped it of everything useful, from the license plate "Fourth Generation Californian" thingy to my registration sticker. I stopped short of taking the spare tire, although my family might go pick it up at some point.
So, after getting a ride back to school with a wonderful fabulous friend who was nice enough to come get me in Ventura, and then a ride home to LA with another wonderful fabulous friend (well she was headed that way anyway, but still gets brownie points ;) ) I picked up the family's old minivan, which I'll be carting myself around in until probably the end of the school year at least. So beware of Mad Matt's in Minivans, coming to a street (or sidewalk) near you. I've only run over like eight curbs in the first few days, and parked diagonally a few times, other than that I'm all over it.
Sunday, May 19, 2002
We Now Return You To Your Regularly Scheduled WHAT IN THE HELL
I'm back... Again... Unscheduled trip back to LA occurred in the middle of last week, along with the passing of something quite close to me (note something is very different from someone, I'm not THAT depressed).
Will update in the morning, got a few days to catch up on.
I'm back... Again... Unscheduled trip back to LA occurred in the middle of last week, along with the passing of something quite close to me (note something is very different from someone, I'm not THAT depressed).
Will update in the morning, got a few days to catch up on.
