The Power of X.
Well, I think I got my one sob story of a blog out of the way for the year, so I should be able to avoid such boredom in the future. I was informed by one reader that they felt like they'd turned on Lifetime: Programming for Women or Days of our Lives. Hm.
On the beginning of this eve of deuces wild I give you a new movie review, X2. After waking up way too late to be productive I decided to go ahead and watch the first one, and then go see if I could haggle up a ticket for a late night showing of the new one. As it happened I managed to snag one for the latest show at 10:15, and being it was only 5:30 or so I had plenty of time to kill. I spent most of it in Borders, browsing like I always do. I actually sat down and read parts of things for the first time in a while though, which is always fun. It's amazing how much easier it is to read, and pass time, when you actually care about what you're reading, or are actually interested in it. Ah but yes the movie was quite entertaining. Your usual special effects laden action flick, although I'd have to say this one was better than the first. Not the common result generally with sequels. This is probably because they took the effects to new levels, and added some new characters to spice things up. The opening scene is actually one of the best, reminded me much of the Matrix preview that was shown beforehand. Speaking of which, that could be the movie of the year thus far when it comes to entertainment value, just the preview got a rousing applause out of the audience. Couple Thursdays down the road I believe til that one opens. All in all good stuff if you liked the first one, even if you're not a comic book fan. We'll say 4 M's out of 7.
Meanwhile, halfway to halfway, meaning I'm done with two midterms out of four, after which I'll be halfway to being done with this quarter and college life in general. If I can get through Mondays and Wednesdays, I'll be a happy camper. Unfortunately I still have loads of work to do on both, they're both essay tests. Although I have review questions the test questions will be based off for both, I still have to outline them and somehow memorize loads of historical data, since for once I won't be able to program it all into my calculator. Alas.
Oh yes and about all that from Tuesday, I suppose we'll just have to see how it turns out, not really going to be anything to report on a regular basis.
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Potential.
Yes folks, scary word there. Unfortunately I'm not the type to count my chickens before they hatch. Well, actually I am, that's probably why I'm mentioning it at all.
So like, there's this girl. This girl is quite spiff. Spiff to the max. Spifferific. Then there's this boy. Boy has always known girl was spiff. Somewhere in here should be a line about boy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after.
Alas.
Outside forces currently prevent such happy endings. On top of those outside forces, boy will soon be going poof. Poor boy.
It's really strange. Like a few weeks ago I had various conversations with various friends after spending some time with said girl, and did all this talking about how frustrated I was with these "outside forces" and how I was going to just forget the whole thing. I figured that would be best, I'd leave, I'd eventually find someone else to hold my attention, and the earth would keep turning. I even went so far as to make a bet with my friend that I wouldn't talk about said girl until I left. Needless to say I'll be treating her to ice cream as a result at some point.
I must fess up, some of the recent entries in this blog have been kept out of the public eye, and instead just added into the Word document I use as backup. Unfortunately not everything can be talked about here. But I can try to explain what I'm thinking at the moment.
So what am I thinking. Hm. In the past few years, I've been doing the single thing. I've actually had a few encounters with people who were interested in more than a friendship, and had the unwanted task of turning them down. There just was never anything there. It's funny, poets, authors, and playwrights have been for centuries trying to describe what it's like to find "the one" or someone who could be "the one."
At times I can be pretty naive. Compared with many of those around me, I tend to be on the optimistic side of the scale. With regards to some things though, I'm quite the opposite.
I came to a conclusion this weekend, as I had the time of my life. There is always a possibility that at some point during my life I will find someone that is at this girl's level. However I personally feel I will never find someone above her. A lot of people will respond with "oh everyone who has a crush says that." Unfortunately I can't exactly call this a crush. She's been in my life for a decade. That's a long time. Unfortunately, there was a significant gap in our communication over the years.
This involves a really long story that I really shouldn't get into. Let's just say at one point, I was in the perfect relationship. Abruptly, it ended. The reason it ended, is no longer valid, or relevant, and has been proven so through time. Slowly, trust was regained. A friendship was built, and since then I've been happy as a clam. Always satisfied with the way things were, but never satisfied with the way things were. Always wondering, if what was once perfect could eventually be regained. Always waiting for that second chance.
I am unfortunately the slowest mover on the planet. Agressive is just not in my vocabulary. This ended up costing me, as the time ticked by, and the door began to crack open, I lost that chance, again. Had I grasped it, things might be different now. But I didn't, and it passed me by. Whether there will ever be another chance has been a constant thought. This is when I decided that it was hopeless, I'd screwed up again, and should move on and try to forget about it. This was of course, fruitless.
This is going to sound pretty sappy, but there's no way to butter it down, so to speak. I looked at my watch a bunch of times while I was at Six Flags this weekend. Normally, when I do this it's because I want to know what time it is. This time, every time it was because I wanted to know how much time I had left. Unfortunately, when distance is involved, the time two people spend together is always limited. There's always a countdown until someone leaves, immediately followed by a countdown until they're together again. The trying times in between are what break up the majority of relationships. While in college especially, the concept of wanting to be committed, rather than be out partying every night enjoying the single life, is generally foreign. After this weekend, I've decided I'm so past that, it's unbelievable. As much as I try to put up a facade that I enjoy the ability to "play the field," and tell my friends the same, I don't. It's probably been some time since I was over it.
This weekend while spending time with her, I couldn't help but imagine that we were together. The things we did, the way we talked, the closeness I felt, opened wide a door that's been shut, but never locked, for years. I literally loved every single second. I literally felt like I was sharing love with someone else. Most importantly, I felt those same feelings were returned in equal portions. The time passed like nothing. Lines just disappeared. Hours flew by. On the freeway during the ride home, all I kept thinking whenever I saw an exit, was how few exits there were left before I'd be dropping her off and drive away, alone. I really sound lame. How often is a person willing to drive hundreds of miles in a two day period just to spend a short amount of time with a friend? Willing to talk on the phone all hours of the night, and then at a single request, drop everything, get in the car and drive hours to see them? I don't think anyone would call this normal friendship behavior. There's no one else currently in my life who can make me feel the way she does. All she has to do is open the door, and give me a smile, and wham, cloud nine. Just the thought of exchanging smiles would get me barrelling toward LA. She exudes a warmth that is unlike any other. Sigh. I guess gushing doesn't help the situation all that much.
Which brings us to the issue at hand. "Outside forces" is about as descriptive as I can be without talking about anything I shouldn't be. Basically, something in her life would have to change in order for me to be a bigger part of it. Actually, there's more than one challenge involved, none of which are easy. Previously, I've always looked at them as barriers, things that wouldn't ever be overcome, and reasons why I'd never again be with her. Now, I see them as challenges, difficulties much like those faced in any relationship. The really crazy thing here, is I'm willing to change personally to accomodate many of them. For those who know me, change is not a simple thing for me. I almost always order the same food, get the same smoothie, walk the same way to class, park in the same spot, put my keys in the same place on my desk. Seriously though, if she asked me to change any of the above, or anything else about my life, I'd probably do it. If it really wasn't doable, I'd at least compromise. How sad is that, most of my friends would get some response along the lines of "yeah right, you're dreaming" whereas with her I'd have the mindset of "sacrifices must be made."
So why the sudden optimism about the situation? Well, I finally feel like this isn't a one way street. I feel she feels the feelings I feel. Great word selection there. A few of my friends when hearing about this have made the comment that "she might be playing you." Again, call me the most naive person alive, but I'm convinced that's not the case. I think a half a decade later we're back where we once were, and are one step short of what we once had. When I looked into her eyes, I felt her looking into mine the same way.
Boy am I babbling.
So what am I doing now. Well I have two midterms Thursday, some randomness I'm sure this weekend, another Monday and another Wednesday. So i'll be mostly in the books, while the days sort of pass by. Meanwhile a hundred miles away she's preparing for finals, graduation, and a trip across the country. We might see each other somewhere in between all that. We might not, and that's not something I can control very well. Forty six days from now I graduate. Potentially within ten days of that, I'll be driving away. Far, far away, with the miles growing with every step.
There's really one of two possibilities here.
I leave with a picture, which captured a moment in time where life was perfect. Ten weeks later, and whenever possible after that, I will return, to find that person who shared the moment, and create many more. I'd leave again sure, but I'd always come back. Regardless of distance, time, or troubles, my committed feelings would not waver. I would know that we wouldn't be separated forever.
The second possibility, is I leave alone. With a car full of my life and a tank full of gas, I'd head far away from my childhood home. Eager to meet my future, apprehensive about what it might bring, but hopeful that the perfect kind of happiness will eventually find me.
I'd love to say I was in charge here. But I'm not. I think it's obvious which possibility would make a dream come true, and which is really an open ended story.
So there you have it, it's out there. One of the reasons I haven't talked about it before is because it basically closes out anyone else. All I can say is this is who my focus is on right now, and I don't see that changing any time soon.
Edit: Although I'm a brutally honest person, and thus don't have a problem with letting people know how I feel about any topic in a public way, this doesn't mean that I'm comfortable discussing an issue such as this with anyone who happens to read about it. I'm sure literally everyone who reads has an opinion, and at times find it pretty difficult to refrain from voicing it. It's generally safer to wait for me to bring it up, so I don't have to make you feel bad by telling you I'm not comfortable discussing it with you. If you feel lucky go for it, but the disclaimer is there.
Yes folks, scary word there. Unfortunately I'm not the type to count my chickens before they hatch. Well, actually I am, that's probably why I'm mentioning it at all.
So like, there's this girl. This girl is quite spiff. Spiff to the max. Spifferific. Then there's this boy. Boy has always known girl was spiff. Somewhere in here should be a line about boy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after.
Alas.
Outside forces currently prevent such happy endings. On top of those outside forces, boy will soon be going poof. Poor boy.
It's really strange. Like a few weeks ago I had various conversations with various friends after spending some time with said girl, and did all this talking about how frustrated I was with these "outside forces" and how I was going to just forget the whole thing. I figured that would be best, I'd leave, I'd eventually find someone else to hold my attention, and the earth would keep turning. I even went so far as to make a bet with my friend that I wouldn't talk about said girl until I left. Needless to say I'll be treating her to ice cream as a result at some point.
I must fess up, some of the recent entries in this blog have been kept out of the public eye, and instead just added into the Word document I use as backup. Unfortunately not everything can be talked about here. But I can try to explain what I'm thinking at the moment.
So what am I thinking. Hm. In the past few years, I've been doing the single thing. I've actually had a few encounters with people who were interested in more than a friendship, and had the unwanted task of turning them down. There just was never anything there. It's funny, poets, authors, and playwrights have been for centuries trying to describe what it's like to find "the one" or someone who could be "the one."
At times I can be pretty naive. Compared with many of those around me, I tend to be on the optimistic side of the scale. With regards to some things though, I'm quite the opposite.
I came to a conclusion this weekend, as I had the time of my life. There is always a possibility that at some point during my life I will find someone that is at this girl's level. However I personally feel I will never find someone above her. A lot of people will respond with "oh everyone who has a crush says that." Unfortunately I can't exactly call this a crush. She's been in my life for a decade. That's a long time. Unfortunately, there was a significant gap in our communication over the years.
This involves a really long story that I really shouldn't get into. Let's just say at one point, I was in the perfect relationship. Abruptly, it ended. The reason it ended, is no longer valid, or relevant, and has been proven so through time. Slowly, trust was regained. A friendship was built, and since then I've been happy as a clam. Always satisfied with the way things were, but never satisfied with the way things were. Always wondering, if what was once perfect could eventually be regained. Always waiting for that second chance.
I am unfortunately the slowest mover on the planet. Agressive is just not in my vocabulary. This ended up costing me, as the time ticked by, and the door began to crack open, I lost that chance, again. Had I grasped it, things might be different now. But I didn't, and it passed me by. Whether there will ever be another chance has been a constant thought. This is when I decided that it was hopeless, I'd screwed up again, and should move on and try to forget about it. This was of course, fruitless.
This is going to sound pretty sappy, but there's no way to butter it down, so to speak. I looked at my watch a bunch of times while I was at Six Flags this weekend. Normally, when I do this it's because I want to know what time it is. This time, every time it was because I wanted to know how much time I had left. Unfortunately, when distance is involved, the time two people spend together is always limited. There's always a countdown until someone leaves, immediately followed by a countdown until they're together again. The trying times in between are what break up the majority of relationships. While in college especially, the concept of wanting to be committed, rather than be out partying every night enjoying the single life, is generally foreign. After this weekend, I've decided I'm so past that, it's unbelievable. As much as I try to put up a facade that I enjoy the ability to "play the field," and tell my friends the same, I don't. It's probably been some time since I was over it.
This weekend while spending time with her, I couldn't help but imagine that we were together. The things we did, the way we talked, the closeness I felt, opened wide a door that's been shut, but never locked, for years. I literally loved every single second. I literally felt like I was sharing love with someone else. Most importantly, I felt those same feelings were returned in equal portions. The time passed like nothing. Lines just disappeared. Hours flew by. On the freeway during the ride home, all I kept thinking whenever I saw an exit, was how few exits there were left before I'd be dropping her off and drive away, alone. I really sound lame. How often is a person willing to drive hundreds of miles in a two day period just to spend a short amount of time with a friend? Willing to talk on the phone all hours of the night, and then at a single request, drop everything, get in the car and drive hours to see them? I don't think anyone would call this normal friendship behavior. There's no one else currently in my life who can make me feel the way she does. All she has to do is open the door, and give me a smile, and wham, cloud nine. Just the thought of exchanging smiles would get me barrelling toward LA. She exudes a warmth that is unlike any other. Sigh. I guess gushing doesn't help the situation all that much.
Which brings us to the issue at hand. "Outside forces" is about as descriptive as I can be without talking about anything I shouldn't be. Basically, something in her life would have to change in order for me to be a bigger part of it. Actually, there's more than one challenge involved, none of which are easy. Previously, I've always looked at them as barriers, things that wouldn't ever be overcome, and reasons why I'd never again be with her. Now, I see them as challenges, difficulties much like those faced in any relationship. The really crazy thing here, is I'm willing to change personally to accomodate many of them. For those who know me, change is not a simple thing for me. I almost always order the same food, get the same smoothie, walk the same way to class, park in the same spot, put my keys in the same place on my desk. Seriously though, if she asked me to change any of the above, or anything else about my life, I'd probably do it. If it really wasn't doable, I'd at least compromise. How sad is that, most of my friends would get some response along the lines of "yeah right, you're dreaming" whereas with her I'd have the mindset of "sacrifices must be made."
So why the sudden optimism about the situation? Well, I finally feel like this isn't a one way street. I feel she feels the feelings I feel. Great word selection there. A few of my friends when hearing about this have made the comment that "she might be playing you." Again, call me the most naive person alive, but I'm convinced that's not the case. I think a half a decade later we're back where we once were, and are one step short of what we once had. When I looked into her eyes, I felt her looking into mine the same way.
Boy am I babbling.
So what am I doing now. Well I have two midterms Thursday, some randomness I'm sure this weekend, another Monday and another Wednesday. So i'll be mostly in the books, while the days sort of pass by. Meanwhile a hundred miles away she's preparing for finals, graduation, and a trip across the country. We might see each other somewhere in between all that. We might not, and that's not something I can control very well. Forty six days from now I graduate. Potentially within ten days of that, I'll be driving away. Far, far away, with the miles growing with every step.
There's really one of two possibilities here.
I leave with a picture, which captured a moment in time where life was perfect. Ten weeks later, and whenever possible after that, I will return, to find that person who shared the moment, and create many more. I'd leave again sure, but I'd always come back. Regardless of distance, time, or troubles, my committed feelings would not waver. I would know that we wouldn't be separated forever.
The second possibility, is I leave alone. With a car full of my life and a tank full of gas, I'd head far away from my childhood home. Eager to meet my future, apprehensive about what it might bring, but hopeful that the perfect kind of happiness will eventually find me.
I'd love to say I was in charge here. But I'm not. I think it's obvious which possibility would make a dream come true, and which is really an open ended story.
So there you have it, it's out there. One of the reasons I haven't talked about it before is because it basically closes out anyone else. All I can say is this is who my focus is on right now, and I don't see that changing any time soon.
Edit: Although I'm a brutally honest person, and thus don't have a problem with letting people know how I feel about any topic in a public way, this doesn't mean that I'm comfortable discussing an issue such as this with anyone who happens to read about it. I'm sure literally everyone who reads has an opinion, and at times find it pretty difficult to refrain from voicing it. It's generally safer to wait for me to bring it up, so I don't have to make you feel bad by telling you I'm not comfortable discussing it with you. If you feel lucky go for it, but the disclaimer is there.
Sunday, April 27, 2003
Best Weekend Ever.
Like, ridiculously good. It was one of "those." Friday night at midnight be on the phone, receive a request, get in the car to fulfill it. This time it was cough drops for someone who was sick. The person just happened to be a hundred something miles away. What can I say, when I'm bored on a weekend, I'm willing to do a whole lot of things most people don't even consider.
So yeah, spent the majority of the weekend with this person, and had a better time than I've had in literally months. I could not have asked for anything more. Just what I needed, just when I needed it. Currently, life rocks.
Perhaps slightly less generic details later, I'm pretty tired, not much sleep was involved.
Like, ridiculously good. It was one of "those." Friday night at midnight be on the phone, receive a request, get in the car to fulfill it. This time it was cough drops for someone who was sick. The person just happened to be a hundred something miles away. What can I say, when I'm bored on a weekend, I'm willing to do a whole lot of things most people don't even consider.
So yeah, spent the majority of the weekend with this person, and had a better time than I've had in literally months. I could not have asked for anything more. Just what I needed, just when I needed it. Currently, life rocks.
Perhaps slightly less generic details later, I'm pretty tired, not much sleep was involved.
