One Ring To Bring Them All, and In The Darkness, Bind Them.

Those who don't recognize the above quote have missed out on a classic piece of literature... Don't get me wrong, I'm generally not a fan at all of the fantasy genre, but when it comes to arguably the most popular series of all time that has lasted for generations, even I have to give it a shot. I must say after giving The Hobbit a once over and busting through the initial book of the trilogy The Fellowship of the Ring today, I believe its been time well spent. Of course, I was in quite a hurry moving through the 400 pager tonight given I was planning to attend the 12:01am showing at the local theater... I always tend to leave these things to the last minute, but its just a crime to watch a movie before reading the book, so alas the task was completed.

Now for probably the first ever review by someone who saw the movie in general release... (no other moron is staying up even later to type this) I think I'm going to go with a rating system of my own, we'll say 1 to 7 M's, just to confuse the random reader. The scale will be as follows:

1 - Not even worth the 10 cent CD to burn and add to my collection.
2 - Just barely worth the 10 cents, just to be complete. Very poor for multiple reasons.
3 - Below average, not something I would pay to see. Maybe downloadable if really that bored. Possibly "weird."
4 - Average. Your typical movie. Worth the 3 bucks to rent. Maybe even a bargain matinee.
5 - Above average. Entertaining. Good in some ways, bad in others.
6 - Excellent. I would pay to see this in the theater. Anything that provokes a feeling from inside, be it joy, sadness, excitement, or despair.
7 - Top of the line. I've probably seen this multiple times. I probably left the theater a different person than when I walked in. I would probably have forked over a hundred bucks to see this if I knew how good it was. This will not be a common rating.

Now, the more important part, examples of the above ratings, so all those who don't agree with my tastes can realize I'm a bumbling idiot and ignore any movie review they come across in the future.

1 - The Last Starfighter. I don't care how cool it was in the 80s. I watched it twenty years later, and it sucked. Bad.
2 - Magnolia This one's controversial, but it leads the "weird" file. I'm not into weird movies. Other possibilities for this group would be Requiem For A Dream or Pi. I need a movie to make sense, have some sort of logical plot, or at least some sense that the elements of the movie are connected somehow. Not randomness.
3 - Bounce No beef with Ben, no beef with Gwen, it was just a poor movie. Not much to it. Could have been 20 minutes. Wasn't.
4 - Cast Away Love Tom. In a lot of things. Long movie, again, didn't need to be. Disagreed with the ending. Make out, then back into the house she goes? Lame. Sure that's the way its supposed to be, but dangling ends just wouldn't work for me in real life. I'd be obsessed I bet.
5 - Just About Any Decent Action/Drama Movie A whole lot will fit this category. Anything that the media probably hyped, looked good, I went to see it, came out pumped, jabbering about how cool the stunt sequence/car chase/fight scene/computer animation/battle footage/cinematography was. Spy Game is an easy example here, just saw it.
6 - Gonna go with an off the beaten path one here. Snow Falling on Cedars Disclaimer: I was in a white male/asian female relationship at the time. So it struck home pretty hard. Might have caused some bias. Other side of the spectrum, Saving Private Ryan. Still to date, the most powerful opening twenty five minutes I've ever seen.
7 - Time to make all the men groan out there... Titanic. Say what you will, but this movie had everything. Effects, action, romance, a score with portions that to this day make me feel energized, and portions that water my eyes. Only a handful of movies have managed to yank tears out of me in public, and I'm not worried about letting people know that. The only three hour movie during which I never even hit the indiglo to check. On a more cheerful note The Breakfast Club. Probably in my top ten of all time. I've seen it easily a dozen times, and laugh hysterically every time. The scenes where they're not even talking are some of the best. (pixi stix and captain crunch in a sandwich, classic).


Okay I know I had a point here somewhere. Ah that's right. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring comes in at 5.5 M's. It suffers from the fact I've read the book, and realize how much has been left out. Parts I was excited to see were just skipped over as the plot was changed somewhat. This happens in all book turned movies though. I do however applaud the depiction of the Dark Riders, I'll be having nightmares in my sleep for a while. Easily the most freaky point of the movie though was actually caused by Bilbo in a rather creepy state, generating quite a reaction from the packed theater. (I know I'm a spoilsport, but you won't know what I'm talking about until afterward I'm sure...) Speaking of which, I did mention I was with all the cooky hookies at the 12:01am showing. Its the second time I've attended one of those, the previous being Episode I: The Phantom Menace. (6 M's) There's something about having grown men dueling in the aisles with wanna-be light sabers during the preshow that makes the whole theater going experience more entertaining. Tonight didn't quite achieve the energy that Star Wars created, during that one as soon as the first note of the theme played and the text started scrolling, I couldn't hear much of anything for the next several minutes as the crowd hooted, hollered, cheered, whistled, stomped, threw popcorn, and celebrated in general revelry. Tonight we had the usual mass booing every time ANOTHER preview started though, and the rousing applause lasting for quite some time when it was over. The movies effects were quite impressive as expected, with the costumes and makeup superb. The acting was on the plus side, my one beef being casting the sunglasses bad guy from the Matrix as Elrond the elf. I kept thinking he was going to hiss "morpheussssssssss" at any second, his voice was just too representative of that movie for me. Besides which he didn't really look like an elf anyway. The archer Losolos or something or other was much more what I had mental picturized. Yeah that's a verb now.

So it would appear that for the next couple years I'll at least be able to rely on sequels and trilogies for entertainment, other than The Lord of the Rings and Star Wars I found out that Men In Black II will be coming out (the first one was awesome on the effects side of things and Will Smith and Tommy Lee are just too cool, 6 M's) as well as Blade II (original had plenty of action, 5 M's) and a few more Matrix and X-Men sequels, which I'm also looking forward to. Course I won't be waiting til then just yet, still have four or five movies I'm planning to see over the break. Maybe more, who knows. I get bored. :)

Looks like I'll be seeing you at the theater, everyone.