One Door Closes, Another Door Opens?

Just got off the phone, and it was a bit stuffy in here, so I pulled back the curtain to reveal more of the open window and allow some breeze in. There framed in the upper portion was the moon, the only visible light in the sky tonight. It's not full or anything, but strangely directly in the center of my window, which is weird given I barely ever even see it when looking out my window at night.

About an hour ago I had a typical pointless conversation with my most recent ex, which covered just about everything, and as usual was a clash of ideologies. It ended abruptly as usual, the same way someone would walk out and slam the door if it was a face to face meeting. I stared at the ceiling for a while afterwards, actually more towards my new dolphin poster that's quite a peaceful thing to stare at. I've finally come to the conclusion tonight that I've been putting all this energy into maintaining a friendship that just isn't maintainable. It occurs to me that when it comes to people around here who have taken the path that she has and done the types of things that she does who I'm friends with, we tend to just drift apart, stop hanging out, basically not associate with each other, other than the random hi how are you's in the hallways. This is the normal path between friends who end up becoming totally different people, with totally different beliefs and ideologies. For some reason I've been blind to the fact that this is what has been going on between her and I. Based on the good times we shared together before she changed dramatically, and all the times I'd confided in her and trusted her, I felt like a friendship could be based on those things, on the past. This just isn't the case. The other main problem is that I've yet to replace her with someone, in every sense of the word. I don't have any really close friends who know anything and everything about me here, since I'm surrounded mostly with kids about a gazillion maturity levels below me, at different times in their lives. They just got here, they're all about having fun, don't think twice about the future, or anything else.

Unfortunately due to this living circumstance I'm not exposed to very many people who are at the same stage in their life as I am. She and I used to be in the same place, but now it seems like I've moved on, whereas she feels she can be happy right where she is. Some of the things she does these days, and the way that she rationalizes them, just totally clashes with my ideas of what people should and should not do. Everyone has a right to live their life the way that they choose, but just as they say birds of a feather flock together, we've joined different flocks. I think if I'd found someone since then to fill that void as "best friend" and someone who knows all about me and is always there, I'd have grown apart from her much faster. I've just been in a rut, and the months have turned to years.

I guess it's time to stop being belligerent, and open my eyes to the fact that we're not best friends anymore. We're different people living different lives, and that's not going to change in the near future. It's just really sad. It's like the girl I knew died tonight, officially.

Then there's the future. That doorway is now open even more than ever for someone to pop in and say hello. Who knows whether in the short time I have left here that will happen. I guess there isn't really any hurry. Next year I'll be pretty focused on the whole graduation concept, and then following that will either come a stint in the military where having dependents wouldn't be ideal anyway or a stint trying to get a job and get on my feet independently. Either way I guess there's plenty of time to fill the space. Just feels lonely in here tonight, more than any other. But if there wasn't loneliness, would we ever appreciate friendship?