Taking Stock.

I yoinked that heading off a sibling's blog, it just sort of fit what I'm trying to do here.

So I've been pretty irritated lately in general. It's just sort of come to a head this weekend because I got flaked on by a few friends who were supposed to go to Magic Mountain with me today but waited til the night before to decide against it. That, and like every single person I've talked to ends up annoying me. I'd call it PMS, but well, that wouldn't make much sense.

I had a phone conversation last night with someone for over two hours. I used to have those kinds of conversations all the time with people. Be it on the phone, or just sitting someplace, we'd talk about anything and everything, whatever was on our minds. I never felt like I was wasting time, I always felt I was gaining something. The people were smart, knew what they were talking about, and even if our opinions differed, helped me learn why. Those types of conversations seem like they're becoming fewer, and fewer. The conclusion I've come to is while in college, I just haven't really connected with anyone. There are a select few who I feel are on the same wavelength, but other than that, it's like I'm a stranger in a strange land. In high school these types were for some reason, easier to find. Many of them I still keep in touch with today, and whenever we meet up we end up just hanging out for hours. In college, everything seems forced. I do things with people because it's better than being alone, but I'm not necessarily happy hanging out with them either. Granted everyone I know could potentially take that last line personally, but if they do, they're clearly not one of the select few mentioned above.

This is probably all becoming more clear because of my impending departure. I am at a stage in my life where everything will soon be changing, and I will be too. It's actually quite sad, although I still see myself keeping in touch with literally a dozen people I met in high school while I'm away, I really don't see that happening with those I've met in college. A few sure, but given the dozens I've become acquainted with here, the fraction is miniscule. People just don't seem like they're on the same page. I know where I'm going in life, I know what I'm doing, I know how to get there, I know what's required, I have the motivation, and I'm on my way. Most people I know, are just stagnant. They don't know what to do with their lives, what comes after college, or why they're doing what they are already. Some are more concerned with whether or not their significant other remembered an anniversary than whether or not the US is at war.

That's the other sad thing. I'd love to say that I thought all of my friend's relationships were going to last forever, but call me a pessimist, or a hater, or bitter, or whatever, but some just make me laugh. That someone can possibly be so shallow as to think that it will actually work in the long run, that they will actually get married and have kids some day. I'm not going to go into specifics, and given almost every single one of my friends here is in a relationship of one stage or another I'm not speaking for the whole, but some people are just being stupid. Yeah, it's my opinion, yeah, I may be proven wrong. I just wouldn't put money I earned on the happier ever after result.

When someone is that engrossed in something doomed to fail, it just makes me feel detached from them in general. If they're willing to expend all this energy on a waste of time, then are they really going to go anywhere in life? Am I ever actually going to learn anything from that kind of person, or are they just dragging me down? The obvious defense is I haven't dated in college, so I don't know what I'm missing. My phone conversation last night was with someone who over the past few years has run into a few unfortuante circumstances with a few different members of the opposite sex. Although we are near the same age in our lives, they have taken a much more proactive stance when it comes to trying to find a relationship that works, while I have not. In a way, the person has taken what has come to them, and only later found out it wasn't the ideal situation. Whereas I've simply been the most picky person ever, not even making the effort unless there's extremely long term potential. Arguments can be waged for both strategies. One causes pleasure follow by pain, but you learn as you go. The latter merely means you don't date until you find one of "the" ones. It was interesting, as we talked it seemed we both were leaning towards using the other person's strategy, due I suppose to the grass being greener on the other side. In reality though I don't know which of us has ended up better off.

It's been close to three years since I've been in any kind of serious relationship. Three years of college mind you, which I've spent surrounded by thousands of people my own age. How is it possible I haven't found someone on my level, seeing things on the same wavelength, being at the same stage in their life? I have no idea. Granted, there's still time. Also granted, I'm leaving, but seriously, if I thought the person was the best thing that ever happened to be, distance would not be an issue, and neither would time. I've done it before, and I'd do it again.

But alas, the challenge is the search, and the chase. Meanwhile I'll keep meeting people who are more worried about what they're going to wear, or how many pounds they need to lose, or why President Bush is an idiot for wanting to kill American soldiers on purpose so he can get more gas for his SUVs. I suppose I could give a long drawn out rebuttal to why these people are stupid, but frankly, if they're stupid enough to think it's true in the first place, it's not like saying something to deaf ears will improve anything.

I'm often asked what single value I'd look for in a partner, and honesty always comes first. Everything begins with trust. I've never really thought about the second one though. Based on all this, I'd have to say ambition comes next . That's one of the most admirable qualities a person can have.

Are you out there? You who actually has a clue? You who know where you're going in life, have a plan, and are making it happen? You who are actually informed, intelligent, and ambitious? You who will always be teaching me, as well as always be learning? If so, please feel free to contact me. I'll be waiting.