Arrogant. Conceited. Cocky.

Interestingly enough, the preceding terms have all been used to describe me in the last few weeks, by three different friends of mine, and even a couple total strangers. They all have different ways of saying it, different ways of approaching the topic, different ways of phrasing their words, but they all essentially end up making the same point. I don't deny the fact that at times I possess all of these traits. I'm a very competitive individual when it comes to just about everything. I don't know what it is lately though that's causing a strange influx of negative comments. Tonight the focus was the fact that it's been said that I always think I know what's right, and that I'm constantly condescending towards other people when I think I'm more knowledgable about a subject than they. Condescending is another term brought up by multiple people recently. It's strange, it's like suddenly a huge magnifying glass has been placed over my personality, and everyone is taking turns discovering what they think is a glaring problem with it. Got into a pretty decent fight with a friend of mine I'd never had more than an argument with before about a subject I've been told countless times I'm "oversensitive about" a few weeks ago. A few days ago I managed to start a war of words with someone I've never actually met after finding out something I didn't like about them regarding another such "sensitive issue". Earlier today I ended up deciding to take some time off from the online gaming group I was a part of, because I've been having continuous disagreements with one of the members of the leadership that don't look like they'll be resolved any time soon. Again, a clash of personalities and egos. Then tonight, after lambasting me about everything wrong with myself as a person, one of my newer friends whom I just met this year lets me know that the fact that we disagree on an important ethical issue is going to prevent her from being able to talk to me in general. I'd thought we'd become pretty good friends, and was genuinely interested in learning more about her as a person, and instead she walks out of the room while I'm in the middle of trying to explain where I'm coming from, with your classic "have a good weekend, since I probably won't see you before then" statement letting me know that she'll do her best to avoid me. It REALLY annoys me when people do that. The fact that people decide to avoid issues, or hide from them, just delays the inevitable. Eventually you have to deal with this stuff. The sad part is that's essentially what the ethics issue is about, eventually coming to terms with a mistake, admitting wrongdoing, and working to get past it. I know I'm a hypocrite, I as well as everyone in my family has great trouble with admitting the fact that they were wrong, or that they made a mistake. It's something I'm working on, along with apologizing more often, and I like to think I'm making progress. To just hide from the mistake though, or worse yet continue making it, or making it worse, does nothing to help solve the problem, and only pushes the solution further away. Unfortunately I can't go into detail as to what the actual disagreement was about, due to the fact that I don't like to break people's trust, even if I feel they deserve it, or even if they've broken others' trust in the past, or present. I just don't understand her plan for a solution, other than the fact that I'm aware her goal seems to be just to avoid facing the problem.

Frankly I don't expect any of this to make sense. I just pondered deleting that whole paragraph and talking about something boring. I'm just bored of censoring myself. I write to release, not to withold. If anyone has a problem with something I write, they tend to let me know, but it really sets off a chord when someone brings up a topic that has nothing to do with them that I never even brought up that they happened to read about, and then proceeds to try to give me their two cents, as if they were commenting on the latest episode of a TV series. If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. Until then, do me a favor, and keep your thoughts to yourself. Feel free to read this journal whenever you want, find out my side of what goes on, but don't bring it up as if I told you myself. There's probably a reason it doesn't involve you. Guess that's a good example of condescending if I've ever read one.

I'm actually angry tonight, for the first time in quite a while. Maybe it's pent up energy. Maybe the fact that I find out about my future sometime soon after next Friday might be gnawing away at me. Then again, maybe I was just treated like shit, and am having more trouble than usual bouncing back. It's interesting, there are still some close friends of mine who have never referred to me as one of the above negative terms, but you have to wonder, is that because they disagree, or because they just haven't come clean yet?